ok, i'm going to do something i've never done before, but because i dont know any of you (personally) i oddly enough feel more comfortable spilling everything here, i dont know why

ok so here it is, me nothing but...er...or at least what i'm realizing today.....i'm now falling apart.  i can offically say that

i was at dance and things i have always been able to do, i couldn't anymore.  my hips just won't do what they used to.  God help me if i have to give up bellydancing....i'm now in pain from the hips down, my hips, my knees, i just don't want this damned thing to control my life.  it seems like dancing is all i have now, that and theatre, but who the hell will hire someone who's in a wheel chair????   (if you don't remember earlier posts, i will eventually be in a wheelchair)  The more i think about how fucking dependent i will be, the more i get depressed.  i dont want to be dependent.  i want to be me, just me, able to dance like i always could, to run, to walk...

damnit all.  once life was going great...it was awesome, NHS, a great girlfriend, Eagle Scout, a (for once) great relationship with my parents, an airsofting trip to look forward too...theatre....some of the above will shortly be gone.....i hope the second will stay....i'm confident she will, she seems to be dedicated enough...if that makes sense...wow that seems shallow.

anyway, life right now went from great to...well...shit...plain and simple, dogshit.  I was walking in a beautiful field full of wildflowers, and i slipped on one piece of dogshit into another....which will go into another, to another, to another...and so on and so forth. 

i'm tired of wondering about the future, and how shitty it will be, when will i be able to actually be happy?  why can't i now?